Okay, so incredibly, I solved this. Hours and hours later, I solved it.
This is going to sound incredibly stupid, but the solution (for both applications) was as follows:
1) Go to the root directory for the executable for the program (example: C:/Program Files (x86)/Microsoft Office/Office12)
2) Right-click on the executable (in this case, EXCEL.EXE)
3) Select "Properties"
4) Click on the "Compatibility" tab
5) Unselect "Run this program as an administrator"
Yes, that's right. I solved a problem by
not running the program as an administrator.
If anyone has a similar problem, but this is not the issue, let me know. I probably ran across an alternative while I was searching.
Now if I can just figure out how to tip my own scales for this solution...
