The Joke Thread

[johngalt]

The Clever Plan

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."

"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"

"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."

"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!"

"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"

She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."

"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk **** my pants as well."

[johngalt]

The Alabama Family Joke

One day in what we call LA (Lower Alabama to you non Georgians), out on the beach, actually, a boy and a girl were walking through the sand. It was early in the day and the sun was still climbing to the top of the sky, and as they walked they saw something in the distance. As they got closer, they saw it was a cave in a cliff wall, and the girl started smiling craftily. She turned to the boy ans asked

"If you weren't my brother, would you go into that cave with me?"

The boy replied, "Well, um, sure, I mean, I guess so."

The girl then said "So pretend you're not my brother and walk into this cave with me."

So they ambled on up to the cave and looked around, and then started walking in. Of course, soon it started to get dark. The girl turned to the boy and asked

"If you weren't my brother, would you all the way to the end of the cave with me?"

The boy replied, "Well, um, sure, I mean, I guess so."

The girl then said "So pretend you're not my brother and walk all the way to the end of the cave with me."

Well, by the time to got to a point where they could go no further, it was pretty dark, so dark, in fact, that they could only see each other in silhouette. The was plenty of room, and soft moss covering the ground, though, and the girl sat down, taking the boy's hand and pulling him down too. Now she asked him

"If you weren't my brother, would you take off all your clothes with me?"

The boy replied, "Well, um, sure, I mean, I guess so."

The girl then said "So pretend you're not my brother and take off all your clothes with me."

So they get to stripping, and when they are done the girl walked into the boy, stroking his arm, as she asked him

"If you weren't my brother, would you make love to me?"

The boy replied, "Well, uh well... umm... <swallow> sure, I mean, yes, I mean ...."

The girl then put her fingers on his lips and whispered "So pretend you're not my brother and would you make love to me."

So, they awkwardly found the ground, and then start touching, then groping, and finally the boy and girl started getting it on.

So there was a lot of grunting and movement, and soon the grunts changed to gasps and moans. Finally, as the fever pitch rose, the girl gasped

"God you're as big as Dad is!"



To which the boy replied "Yeah, that's what Mom says."

[locoeng]

Cheech and Chong ~ Dave's not here

[WildEagle]

The Mother In Law

Two farmers were sitting under a tree near a pasture. First one says to the second one. "What ever you do, don't go in that pasture over there where that old cow is. There's a bull in there who'se so mean and nasty, he would will give you the horns without a second though."

About that time, the bull came over the hill, running like his tail and backside were on fire, with his head down and the horns out ready to run somebody through without a second thought.

At the bottom of the hill the bull slammed on the brakes, and fell flat on his butt, and got up and walked back over the hill.

The second farmer said to the first one. "I don't see where that bull is so mean."

The first farmer says. "You would walk away too, that old cow over there was his mother in law."

[dmex]

locoeng,

When you use the youtube BBCode just enter the last few bits, not the whole link or it doesnt work properly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7Rq-PEW5qM


I fixed it up for you

[locoeng]

I was wondering what was going on there...thanks dmex.

[WildEagle]

Sister Mary Margaret

Sister Mary Margaret walked in to O'Flynn's Liqour shop.

"I would like to purchase a bottle of Irish Whiskey." She says.

"Sister!" O'Flynn said.

"It's not for me. It's for Father Reilly, his constipation you know."

Nodding O'Flynn put the bottle of Irish Whiskey in a brown paper bag and Sister Mary Margaret walked out, leaving money on the counter.

Later in the day, after O'Flynn closed up shop for the day, he passed by an alley. In the alley was Sister Mary Margaret on her back and rip roaring drunk.

"Sister," O'Flynn said. "you said it was for Father Reilly."

"It is." Sister Mary Margaret replied. "When he see's me, he's going to brown his pants."

[locoeng]

[Bare Foot Kid]

That's good!













Later Later

[garysgold]

Well, I've spent the last few weeks galavantin' around the countryside, so haven't been around for a while.
I like the 'Chillout Room'. New tutorials, some new looks. Nice This is good info for those living in or planning a visit to the wily-whacks.



Gary