The Joke Thread

[JMH]

Good to have you back again Norm.

[Joan Archer]

Nice one Norm were have you been hiding

[pacinitaly]

Google has offered a free internet service:

Welcome to Google TiSP

[pacinitaly]

I'll never order pizza from this place:

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[pacinitaly]

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.



A Few Interesting Anagrams
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL’S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ‘ M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no
letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Everlong18]

  Quote: Originally Posted by pacinitaly

Google has offered a free internet service:

Welcome to Google TiSP

I remember seeing that on April fools day a few years ago, thought it was great haha!

[NormCameron]

Some Days Aren't Worth

Getting Out Of Bed

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring
Cut off from his willy.

According to the attending Nurse, the girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him,
she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his willy while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring
Got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring !

[garysgold]

[Joan Archer]

[KV43]

THINK before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and

three kids in tow and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as

the door closed behind me,

were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,

and I don't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!