The Joke Thread

[Sinclair]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[archie123]

Horse walks into a bar

Bartender..............."are you ok"?

Horse............."yes fine thanks"

Bartender.............."then why the long face"?

[beauparc]

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

[Techymike]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[Techymike]

Circumcised(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it
and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said,
And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and
pick me up from school.'


KIDS; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM??

[sassofalco]

The Conversion of the Parrots

…….A lady goes to see her Parish Priest one day, and tells him,

“Father, I have a problem. I have two very pretty female Parrots, but they only know how to say one sentence.”

“And what is it that they can say?”, says the Priest.

“Father, all they can say is, ‘Hi Boys, we’re Hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ ”

“That’s obscene!” the Priest exclaims,and then he thought for a minute or two. “You know” he says, “I have two handsome male Parrots who can talk their heads off. I have taught them to pray and quote passages from the Bible. Bring your Parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them together in the cage with my two birds, Francis and Job. They will teach your female Parrots to praise and worship, and I’m sure that in no time at all, they will forget their filthy words and thoughts!”

“Oh thank-you Father!” the woman says, “You may just have solved my problem”

The next day the woman duly arrived at the Priest’s residence, and as he was ushering her into the lounge, she saw that in the large cage, there were the Priest’s two handsome Parrots, each holding a set of Rosary Beads, and with bowed heads, softly praying.

Impressed by what she was witnessing, she walked over to the cage and opening the door, placed her two pretty birds in with the praying handsome Parrots.

There was absolute silence for what seemed hours, until suddenly the pair of females cried out in unison ‘Hi Boys, we’re Hookers! Do you want to have some fun????’

Again there was stunned silence as the Parrots stopped saying the Rosary and with a look of joyful shock on his face, one handsome male Parrot looked over to the other male Parrot, and yelled….

’Put the Rosary beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!!!!’

[KV43]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extramoney decided to hire herself out as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighborhoods.


She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.



'Well, I guess I could usesomebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'


The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.



The man's wife,hearing the conversation,said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'


He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'


The wife replied, 'You're right.I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes .'



A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.'You finished already?' thehusband asked.



'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.'



Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.



'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus'

[blue75]

  Quote: Originally Posted by Axon

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What black and brown and looks good on a lawyer ?

A Doberman

I like to sub Rottweiler but thats the old joke hehe

[apocalypticgirl]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....

Uphill... Barefoot.....

BOTH ways

In the snow

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!


Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!
And you could never win.. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!


There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

[blue75]

Not a joke but one hella funny picture