Nuke the Whales.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can sure blow it up.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.