The Joke Thread

[locoeng]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.




Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.




On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.




Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -




I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY:


Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.








​

 

[locoeng]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the
room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and
sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us
in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out
today.'

 

[Axon]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

 

[dmex]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Movies/superjerk.swf

SJ Saves the day

 

[Axon]

Classic one dmex! :D

"Cardiac Attack! Ptchow!"

 

[ripbox]

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear - 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

 

[skunksmash]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Blonde Car Accident[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[/FONT]

 

[Axon]

What does a blonde say when someone asks her if her turn indicators are working?

Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

 

[johngalt]

Why are Blonde jokes so short?



So men can remember them.

 

[johngalt]

Why is it?

1. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety one"?
11. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

[johngalt]

The Clever Plan

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?

Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."

"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"

"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."

"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"

What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!"

"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"

She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."

"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk **** my pants as well."

 

[johngalt]

The Alabama Family Joke

One day in what we call LA (Lower Alabama to you non Georgians), out on the beach, actually, a boy and a girl were walking through the sand. It was early in the day and the sun was still climbing to the top of the sky, and as they walked they saw something in the distance. As they got closer, they saw it was a cave in a cliff wall, and the girl started smiling craftily. She turned to the boy ans asked

"If you weren't my brother, would you go into that cave with me?"

The boy replied, "Well, um, sure, I mean, I guess so."

The girl then said "So pretend you're not my brother and walk into this cave with me."

So they ambled on up to the cave and looked around, and then started walking in. Of course, soon it started to get dark. The girl turned to the boy and asked

"If you weren't my brother, would you all the way to the end of the cave with me?"

The boy replied, "Well, um, sure, I mean, I guess so."

The girl then said "So pretend you're not my brother and walk all the way to the end of the cave with me."

Well, by the time to got to a point where they could go no further, it was pretty dark, so dark, in fact, that they could only see each other in silhouette. The was plenty of room, and soft moss covering the ground, though, and the girl sat down, taking the boy's hand and pulling him down too. Now she asked him

"If you weren't my brother, would you take off all your clothes with me?"

The boy replied, "Well, um, sure, I mean, I guess so."

The girl then said "So pretend you're not my brother and take off all your clothes with me."

So they get to stripping, and when they are done the girl walked into the boy, stroking his arm, as she asked him

"If you weren't my brother, would you make love to me?"

The boy replied, "Well, uh well... umm... <swallow> sure, I mean, yes, I mean ...."

The girl then put her fingers on his lips and whispered "So pretend you're not my brother and would you make love to me."

So, they awkwardly found the ground, and then start touching, then groping, and finally the boy and girl started getting it on.

So there was a lot of grunting and movement, and soon the grunts changed to gasps and moans. Finally, as the fever pitch rose, the girl gasped

"God you're as big as Dad is!"



To which the boy replied "Yeah, that's what Mom says."

 

[locoeng]

Cheech and Chong ~ Dave's not here

[youtube]w7gWB7IzxtU[/youtube]

 

[WildEagle]

The Mother In Law

Two farmers were sitting under a tree near a pasture. First one says to the second one. "What ever you do, don't go in that pasture over there where that old cow is. There's a bull in there who'se so mean and nasty, he would will give you the horns without a second though."

About that time, the bull came over the hill, running like his tail and backside were on fire, with his head down and the horns out ready to run somebody through without a second thought.

At the bottom of the hill the bull slammed on the brakes, and fell flat on his butt, and got up and walked back over the hill.

The second farmer said to the first one. "I don't see where that bull is so mean."

The first farmer says. "You would walk away too, that old cow over there was his mother in law."

 

[dmex]

locoeng,

When you use the youtube BBCode just enter the last few bits, not the whole link or it doesnt work properly

[noparse]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=[/noparse]W7Rq-PEW5qM


I fixed it up for you

 

[locoeng]

I was wondering what was going on there...thanks dmex.

 

[WildEagle]

Sister Mary Margaret

Sister Mary Margaret walked in to O'Flynn's Liqour shop.

"I would like to purchase a bottle of Irish Whiskey." She says.

"Sister!" O'Flynn said.

"It's not for me. It's for Father Reilly, his constipation you know."

Nodding O'Flynn put the bottle of Irish Whiskey in a brown paper bag and Sister Mary Margaret walked out, leaving money on the counter.

Later in the day, after O'Flynn closed up shop for the day, he passed by an alley. In the alley was Sister Mary Margaret on her back and rip roaring drunk.

"Sister," O'Flynn said. "you said it was for Father Reilly."

"It is." Sister Mary Margaret replied. "When he see's me, he's going to brown his pants."

 

[locoeng]

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

That's good!













Later Later

 

[garysgold]

Well, I've spent the last few weeks galavantin' around the countryside, so haven't been around for a while.
I like the 'Chillout Room'. New tutorials, some new looks. Nice This is good info for those living in or planning a visit to the wily-whacks.

Gary