NormCameron
Vista Guru
Troubleshooting Internet Explorer
by Bill Shein
Reason Two - Even non-sentient computer software has limited tolerance for celebrity news sites, page after page of "stuff-on-my-cat" photos, YouTube videos of people being hit in the privates, and hours of scrolling through the world's most mundane blogs. If this describes your online activities, and Internet Explorer has stopped responding, the software is lodging a silent protest against your Web browsing habits. This is a helpful feature of Internet Explorer. You're welcome.
Reason Three - Remember the cup of coffee you spilled on your laptop last month? And how after it dried, your computer worked just fine? And that your IT guy said, "Wow. I've never seen anything like it. It's a miracle." So much of a miracle, in fact, that religious pilgrims flocked to your cubicle, weeping uncontrollably, asking you to touch their foreheads to heal their souls and touch their laptops to make Internet Explorer start responding? Well, the miracle is over. Time for a new laptop with Windows Vista (Service Pack 42). Hope you're not stuck with boxes of unsold "I Touched the Miracle Laptop" T-Shirts.
Reason Four - When Internet Explorer stops responding, for no apparent reason, while you are doing something important — like completing the eighth screen of an eight-screen-long mortgage application — Microsoft Corporation is just reminding you that it is all-knowing, all-powerful, and can crush you at any time. How do you like them apples? (Stop laughing so hard at those "I'm a Mac" ads; we're watching you.)
Reason Five - It hasn't stopped responding. It's just moving very, very slowly. Be patient. Life doesn't have to move so fast all the time, Speed Racer. Why not slow down and enjoy yourself? Get outside. Take a walk. Breathe. Get reacquainted with your spouse and children. No one on their death bed ever said, "I wish I had spent more time using Internet Explorer to watch puppies on a webcam."
Reason Six - It's moody. Hey, who isn't? Have you tried filling the computer's CD tray with antidepressants? (We resolved this moodiness in Internet Explorer 8, now in beta.) If that doesn't work, re-install Windows.
Reason Seven - It's supposed to stop responding, silly. Duh! It's all about expectations. If you don't expect Internet Explorer to work, and then it doesn't work, all will seem right with the world, yes? Take it from the Buddhists: Human suffering results from our irrational attachment to things that aren't even real, in this case to the idea that Internet Explorer should not simply "stop responding." Meditate quietly on this, and then re-start your computer.
Reason Eight - Did you run the diagnostic software included with your Windows installation CD? Did you remember to surround your computer with chicken bones and smear ox blood across the monitor? Ah ha! That's the problem. Be sure to smear the ox blood across your monitor before surrounding your computer with chicken bones. If this fails, collapse into the fetal position and remain there for several hours.
Reason Nine - Remember the tiny gnomes we met back in Reason One? The ones who were raising their even tinier mugs of ale at the Heat Sink Café? Well, they raised a few too many. Turn off your computer and try again tomorrow.
Reason Gone Mad by Bill Shein - Troubleshooting Internet Explorer (12/19/08)
by Bill Shein
"It's hard to determine exactly what causes Internet Explorer to stop responding, but it's usually due to one of the following reasons." — From Microsoft's Windows Error Reporting Web site
Reason One - Did you know that tiny gnomes run the machinery inside your computer? If Internet Explorer has stopped responding, it means the gnomes are on break, sidled up to the bar at the Heat Sink Café, lifting their tiny mugs of gnome ale and singing their cheery gnome songs. They'll return to work shortly. In the meantime, re-start Internet Explorer.
Reason Two - Even non-sentient computer software has limited tolerance for celebrity news sites, page after page of "stuff-on-my-cat" photos, YouTube videos of people being hit in the privates, and hours of scrolling through the world's most mundane blogs. If this describes your online activities, and Internet Explorer has stopped responding, the software is lodging a silent protest against your Web browsing habits. This is a helpful feature of Internet Explorer. You're welcome.
Reason Three - Remember the cup of coffee you spilled on your laptop last month? And how after it dried, your computer worked just fine? And that your IT guy said, "Wow. I've never seen anything like it. It's a miracle." So much of a miracle, in fact, that religious pilgrims flocked to your cubicle, weeping uncontrollably, asking you to touch their foreheads to heal their souls and touch their laptops to make Internet Explorer start responding? Well, the miracle is over. Time for a new laptop with Windows Vista (Service Pack 42). Hope you're not stuck with boxes of unsold "I Touched the Miracle Laptop" T-Shirts.
Reason Four - When Internet Explorer stops responding, for no apparent reason, while you are doing something important — like completing the eighth screen of an eight-screen-long mortgage application — Microsoft Corporation is just reminding you that it is all-knowing, all-powerful, and can crush you at any time. How do you like them apples? (Stop laughing so hard at those "I'm a Mac" ads; we're watching you.)
Reason Five - It hasn't stopped responding. It's just moving very, very slowly. Be patient. Life doesn't have to move so fast all the time, Speed Racer. Why not slow down and enjoy yourself? Get outside. Take a walk. Breathe. Get reacquainted with your spouse and children. No one on their death bed ever said, "I wish I had spent more time using Internet Explorer to watch puppies on a webcam."
Reason Six - It's moody. Hey, who isn't? Have you tried filling the computer's CD tray with antidepressants? (We resolved this moodiness in Internet Explorer 8, now in beta.) If that doesn't work, re-install Windows.
Reason Seven - It's supposed to stop responding, silly. Duh! It's all about expectations. If you don't expect Internet Explorer to work, and then it doesn't work, all will seem right with the world, yes? Take it from the Buddhists: Human suffering results from our irrational attachment to things that aren't even real, in this case to the idea that Internet Explorer should not simply "stop responding." Meditate quietly on this, and then re-start your computer.
Reason Eight - Did you run the diagnostic software included with your Windows installation CD? Did you remember to surround your computer with chicken bones and smear ox blood across the monitor? Ah ha! That's the problem. Be sure to smear the ox blood across your monitor before surrounding your computer with chicken bones. If this fails, collapse into the fetal position and remain there for several hours.
Reason Nine - Remember the tiny gnomes we met back in Reason One? The ones who were raising their even tinier mugs of ale at the Heat Sink Café? Well, they raised a few too many. Turn off your computer and try again tomorrow.
Reason Gone Mad by Bill Shein - Troubleshooting Internet Explorer (12/19/08)
My Computer
System One
-
- Manufacturer/Model
- Scratch Built
- CPU
- Intel Quad Core 6600
- Motherboard
- Asus P5B
- Memory
- 4096 MB Xtreme-Dark 800mhz
- Graphics card(s)
- Zotac Amp Edition 8800GT - 512MB DDR3, O/C 700mhz
- Monitor(s) Displays
- Samsung 206BW
- Screen Resolution
- 1680 X 1024
- Hard Drives
- 4 X Samsung 500GB 7200rpm Serial ATA-II HDD w. 16MB Cache .
- PSU
- 550 w
- Case
- Thermaltake
- Cooling
- 3 x octua NF-S12-1200 - 120mm 1200RPM Sound Optimised Fans
- Mouse
- Targus
- Keyboard
- Microsoft
- Internet Speed
- 1500kbs
- Other Info
- Self built.
Brilliant, thanks for letting me know another mystery solved 