The Joke Thread

[Mr Smiley]

My Mum and Dad had 4 children ... 1 of each.

My Brother was an only child.

My parents had a fantastic marriage for 18 years before divorcing in 1975.

They used to go dining and dancing twice a week. Mum went Mondays, Dad went Fridays.

My Father talks through his nose ... he's worn his mouth out!

Mum has a terrible habit ... she breathes.

I told Dad I wanted to sell the car last week. He said son, and I believed him, you can't sell your car, it's got 376,000 kilometres on the clock. Do what everyone else does and wind the clock back.

I saw him yesterday. He said did you sell the car? I said, no why should i, it's only got 15,000 kilometres on it!

I went to a bar the other night. I said could I have three scotch and cokes, two glasses of red and a schooner of new. The bar lady said would you like a tray with that sir? I said no thanks, I've got enough to carry now!

I was driving along the highway this morning, and sure enough the inevitable happened, I got stopped by one of Hitler's rejects. He put his fat head in the window and said your pissed! I said thank goodness for that officer, i thought the steering had gone!

I ran over one of the gestapo yesterday. Gee the copper was annoyed. He dragged himself out from beneath my vehicle and had blood streaming down his head. He looked at me and said "Didn't you flippin-well see me? I said I hit you didn't I!!!

 

[kavita]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[KV43]

Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts around Costco when they collide.

The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old timer said, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

 

[Mr Smiley]

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2008

​

​

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on
a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant
asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
​

​

​

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant,
'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not,
they're dead.'


3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and
approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,'
the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here
as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket. ​

​

​

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on
a country road.
A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was
directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and
walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded
her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate
any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room
raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in
tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to
laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher
smiled knowingly at the student, shook
her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write
with your other hand'.​

 

[MWRed]

Kinda humorous when I read this the first time, figured i'd post it. I've had this for years.



Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to
work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM
morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where
they award winners get great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask
if they are married or seriously involved with
someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she
is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of
their partner (with phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions
correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago
made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees
with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever
heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip
to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name?
First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're
what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?
First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time
you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one
would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at
stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex
at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her
mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower
at the time."


DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than
the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks,
I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work
number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live
on the air right now and I've been talking with
Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll
lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up
to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions
honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3
questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's
answers, then the both of you will be off to
Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea
World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before
Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it
last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
question, Sarah. You are one question away from a
trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them
that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing
with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need
to take a station break"

 

[pacinitaly]

lots 2 read, see ya later

 

[kavita]

Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts around Costco when they collide.

The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old timer said, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

LOL.

 

[KV43]

Young boy goes to work on a local farm everyday after school and at the weekend.

Twice a week he always has a bet with the farmer and every time the farmer loses £5. Getting pissed off at losing all the time he is complaining to his neighbour about all the money he is losing on bets.
Send him to me on Sat morning to help me pick turnips, I'll fix him. Saturday comes as does the boy and he is sent on his way to help the neighbour.
After an hour or so the boy stops work, looks the farmer up and down and says to him, I think you have piles!
Farmer looks at him and says no I do not. Boy says, 15 quid says you do, down with your trousers and show me yer arse.
Down comes the trousers, but no piles to be seen, cough up says the farmer.
That night in the local the two farmers meet up and they discuss the days events, well one says how did it go?
He was barely an hour there, a Little before lunch time and he started, little **** bet me 15 quid I had the piles, so I had to drop me trousers so he could have a look,
I got the 15 quid. Free drinks tonight.
No says his pal, he bet met 25 quid he'd see your arse before lunch.

 

[KV43]

John, a university student was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and not a car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.


Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...



"Look Joe .....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

 

[garysgold]

 

[Joan Archer]

That's a good one KV43

 

[KV43]

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout '****, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "****, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "****, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "****, missed!"

 

[KV43]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE​

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of saying F---YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[Airbot]

 

[Joan Archer]

:D No comment

 

[pooch]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE​

I don't suppose you have an answer for what this one means (see next quote)

:D No comment

I know its humour but it all sounds so familiar


Pooch

 

[Martee]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE​

I don't suppose you have an answer for what this one means (see next quote)

:D No comment

I know its humour but it all sounds so familiar






Pooch

well, it means... No Comment :D really

 

[pooch]

well, it means... No Comment :D really

It's the really that scares me :eek:

 

[Martee]

Scares you? Nooooo.... How's that possible? :huh: :D

 

[JimJoe]

My sister has one:

An expresionless 'You're funny.', then she smiles. Showing her teeth. Its the kind of smile you see a leopardess or lioness give just before you are dismembered.

I don't need to define that...