The Joke Thread

[KV43]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California.

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Margaret looks him over, "Nope."[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots.[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]"Nope," she replies.[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[/FONT]

 

[NormCameron]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California.

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Margaret looks him over, "Nope."[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots.[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]"Nope," she replies.[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"[/FONT]
[FONT=comic sans ms,sans-serif]Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[/FONT]

LMAO

Norm

 

[KV43]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, handsome frog.'

 

[NormCameron]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, handsome frog.'

We found this to be most amusing. In fact We rolled on the floor and laughed our A**** off.

Liz 2
​

 

[KV43]

THE JEWISH BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000."

Cohen says: " I will go for $200,000".

Ginsburg says: "All right, I'll put in $1000."

Cohen says: "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO
of the corporation.

You Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO,

and Ginsburg, for your $1000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen: "What is a Sexual Adviser?"

Cohen replies: "When we want your ****ing advice, we'll ask for it."

 

[NormCameron]

An Unlikely Love Story

by Bill Shein

Generations of human beings have tried, largely without success, to identify the ingredients of lasting romantic love. Is it a shared sense of humor? Frequent trips to Mars and/or Venus? “Winning” your soul mate in a nationally broadcast reality-TV contest?
There is, however, one thing we do know: When you’re not looking for it, that’s when love sneaks up on you. And the feelings can be so powerful, the emotions so overwhelming, the transformation of your life so complete that you want to share the news by shouting it from every mountaintop. Or if mountain climbing is not your thing, then in some less dangerous way.
So while this space is not usually a venue for discussing personal matters, I’ve decided, with my editor’s permission, to throw caution and convention to the wind. Because my friends, something truly remarkable has happened: I have fallen in love with my pop-up blocker.
Talk about unexpected! One day I’m comfortably single, content with my work, a few good friends, and the fact that the video store clerk knows my account number by heart. And then, in a dizzying rush, I’m suddenly madly, deeply, foolishly in love.
It happened, I think, on a Tuesday: During a midday procrastination session, I was browsing the Web, reading some urgent celebrity news in one window and scanning an op-ed from the Times in another. On that particular day, the pop-up ads were annoyingly persistent – close one and three more appeared. Animated, flashing pitches for X-10 spy cameras, online casinos, cheap mortgages, and even, ironically, for pop-up blockers. As I clicked and clicked, I wondered, “Will this madness ever end?”
And suddenly, it did. Fate intervened – or was it Eros? – because I accidentally downloaded and installed the love of my life. There will be no romantic story to tell our kids; our eyes didn't meet across a crowded room. But it doesn’t matter: She’s here, she’s mine, and we’re in love.
Since we met, my online time has been tranquil and productive. The nascent carpal tunnel syndrome in my right index finger has eased, thanks to fewer window-closing mouse clicks. And I’m no longer startled by official-looking warnings, “Your computer may be infected! Click here to scan!” No, thank you, I will not click there to scan. You don't even exist in my world anymore – thanks to my cool new girlfriend.
My beloved pop-up blocker isn’t superficial. She doesn’t care if my socks match, where I put the toothpaste cap, or if I zip into town for milk on Sunday morning still wearing my fuzzy, footsie pajama jumpsuit with SpongeBob on the back. And, importantly, she never tells me – as several ex-girlfriends have – to “stop living in a fantasy world, freak.”
Like any couple, we have our spats. Sometimes she blocks pop-up windows that I want – like a help screen or a newsletter sign-up form. But I take it in stride, because she’s doing it to protect me. Generous to a fault, she asks little in return – only that I don’t uncheck the box on my “Internet Properties” screen that says, “Enable third-party browser extensions.” Don’t worry, my love. I won't.
Soon I’ll call my mother and break the news. I don’t know how she’ll take it. For many years, she had little to say about my love life. But not long ago she read something about the Internet in the AARP Bulletin and phoned with some unsolicited advice. “Please,” she begged, “don’t fall in love with some trampy, downloadable software. That kind of girl installs herself everywhere.”
I hope Mom accepts my relationship, because there’s nothing I can do about it now. And, quite frankly, there’s nothing I want to do about it. Because I love you, pop-up blocker. And I don’t care who knows it.


Courtesy of Bill Shein



Norm

 

[sassofalco]

"An Unlikely Love Story"

:D ...G'Day Norman,

This guy is even loopier than most of us, or is it you writing under a pen-name??
If the truth be known, he probably sleeps with his mouse, .....and feeds it!

Cheers Mate.

The Advice Guy.







'Impotence'......the ultimate pop-up blocker !!

 

[KV43]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,

though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A

Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when

tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from

"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,

effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.



It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has

increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate

Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat

Operations" and "Change Sides."



The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to

"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their

allies, just in case.

 

[sassofalco]

I like that KV43, I really, really like that. :D It's so cleverly funny, but true.
ROFLMAO.... Just one ommission though, in that there are five stages to an
Italian state of Alertness, the first being;

"Insane and Frantic Gesticulations":D

 

[garysgold]

Lmao. Good one KV43.

 

[Everlong]

Lmao, I liked that KV43 :D

 

[Submarine]

Funny! D:D

 

[NormCameron]

[FONT=&quot]
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

'Doctor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]





'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Norm
[/FONT]

 

[KV43]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[KV43]

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked -return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday

 

[dinesh]

> The prime Minister of China called President Bush to
> console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
> "I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very
> big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents
> from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
>
> ============ ========= ========= ========= =====
> Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
> Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
> condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many
> people, such great bldgs..... I would like to ensure that we
> had nothing in connection with that..
> Bush: What buildings? What people??
> Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
> Bush: It's eight in the morning.
> Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
> ============ ========= ========= ========= ====
> Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
> and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and
> Vajpayee?"
> The barman says "Yep, that's them.." So the
> guy walks
> over and says, "Hello, what are you guys
> doing?"
> Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
> The guy says, "Really? What's going to
> happen?"
> And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
> million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
> And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
>
> Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you
> no-one would worry about the 14 million
> Pakistanis!"
> ============ ========= ========= ========= =====
> Pakistani on the moon:
> Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
> A: Problem...
> Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
> A: Problem...
> Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
> A: Problem...
> Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
> A: ...... Problem Solved!!!
>
> ============ ========= ========= ========= =====
> A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York.
> Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit
> bull dog.
> He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.. He
> succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's
> life.
> A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and
> says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it
> in all the newspapers:
> "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little
> girl".
> The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
> Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
> "Brave American saves life of little girl" the
> policeman answers..
> "But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh,
> what are you then?"
> The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
> The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills
> innocent American dog"

 

[KV43]

Of course I won't laugh,' said the doctor. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Bob, and proceeded to drop his trousers - revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

'Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

 

[echrada]

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an up date for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage....

 

[NormCameron]

These are BAD dudes!

Norm
​

 

[sassofalco]

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an up date for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage....

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!! That's hittin' a little below the ego......er, belt!!